I’ve opened up this document and stared at a blank page with
a blinking cursor on more than one occasion.
And yet I’ve struggled to actually put anything down. I guess today I’m feeling bold enough to
try.
October 2012 was undoubtedly a month I will never
forget. It began with the most amazing,
joyful experience of my life; I gave birth to Anna Noel on October 5th. Less than 3 weeks later, on October 25th,
I lost my mom. Most of you know the
story— when Anna was 11 days old, my mom went into cardiac arrest at her
doctor’s appointment. Though the
doctors were able to get her pulse back, they were never able to bring HER
back. And so our family had to make a
decision that I pray most people don’t have to make. Despite my countless prayers to give us just
a little more time, God made it clear that He wanted her with Him.
My mom, as most of you know, has been battling breast cancer
for the past 8 years. And when I say
battling, I mean standing on the front lines, furiously wielding her sword and
shield. Multiple surgeries, countless
(endless) rounds of chemo, medications, doctors, hospitals, etc. And she did it all with little complaint even
though she was in almost constant pain.
She was a warrior, but even the fiercest warriors can only take so much
chemo before their heart says, ‘enough’.
She is, without a doubt, my hero.
We came home from Texas to a whole pile of mail. I have to say, it is utterly overwhelming to have a stack of
cards awaiting you—half of which are congratulating you on the birth of your new
baby girl, and the other half are expressing their sorrow on the loss of your
mother. Talk about contrasting messages.
At this point, I’m riding on an emotional rollercoaster that
is constantly teetering back and forth from new baby bliss to extremely aching
heart. For the sake of those around me,
I try to keep it in check. In the
moments that I feel joyful (because let’s be honest, I have a lot to be joyful
for), I also feel guilty for feeling anything other than sorrow. But I’m mostly irritated, frustrated, and
exhausted, and feeling like I’m trying to hold it together by just a few
tenuous threads.
I didn’t talk to my mom daily, and since we lived almost
1500 miles away from each other, we only saw each other but a few times a
year. And so I guess I was hoping that
maybe it would be easier once I got back home.
For the record, it’s not. I never
realized how much I thought to call her during the day until I wasn’t able to
call her anymore. Like when we had our
first snow flurries last week, when Leah tried to tell Isaac about heaven ("Isaac, do you know where Tyrone [Her fish that died after one measly month.] is?" "Yeah, he's in da dirt."), and
when sweet little Anna gave me her first smile.
I dream about my mom almost every night. And I feel thankful for the fact that in my
dreams, my mom is exactly like she was before she had cancer—vibrant, throwing
her head back in laughter, and wonderfully alive. I like to think this is God’s way of showing
me how she is now in heaven. When I
wake up in the morning, I feel the ache all over again when I realize that
dreams are the only way we’ll get to spend time together anymore. And on the nights when I don’t dream of her,
I wake up panicked, wondering if I’m losing her already.
On the day my mom went in to her radiation appointment, she
dropped an anniversary card for Jared and I in the mail. The card says this, “May your memories be
warm ones. May your cares today be
few. May your moments all be happy. May your joy last all year through. “ Little did she know how fitting those words
would be for the situation at hand.
I wish I could end this post with some sort of sweet wrap up
of how every day is easier. How I see
the light at the end of the tunnel. Etc etc. Instead, I’ll just leave you with the lyrics
to a song, which has been running through my head lately and which I've never fully connected with until now. After all, I can't imagine a better example of the phrase, "You give and take away." In my best moments, I find the lyrics to be
true. And in my not so great
moments? Well, I’m still working on
that.
“Blessed be Your name
When the sun's
shining down on me
When the world's
'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked
with suffering
Though there's pain
in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You
pour out
I'll turn back to
praise
When the darkness
closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name
of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name
of the Lord
Blessed be Your
glorious name
You give and take
away
You give and take
away
My heart will choose
to say
Lord, blessed be
Your name”
